Monday 18 May 2009

A moment to lighten the heart in your darkest hour...

I was first introduced to this nightmarish howler by Nick Hancock in his landmark blooper video Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares.

This is from way back in the day, when a plastic case bearing Nick Hancock's visage lurked in every sensible child's Christmas stocking. His links and jokes were lame as fuck, but he was oddly endearing in a way that Vinnie Jones (Vinnie Jones' Mental Bastards), Ian Wright (Ian Wright's Christmas Gobshites) and Kevin Muscat (Kevin Muscat's Greatest On-field Attempted Murders) could never hope to be.



All hail the King of the blooper tape.

Thursday 14 May 2009

Tears for Ray Parker Jr. (excerpt from AQA GCSE Poetry Anthology)


Ray
Ray Parker Jr.
Ray. Parker. Junior.
Rayparkerjunior

Ray Parker Junior
Ray
Ray
Ray Parker
Junior

Ray, Ray,
why
Ray
why
Parker
why
Junior
Why?



(c) Carol Ann Duffy 2009

For now, my video bar to the right will be showing classic Eastenders moments

Because

a) I think you all want to see them
b) I don't really know how the video bar works, and I can't be bothered to work it out

Did you know that Adam Woodyatt (above) was a respected photographer? You didn't did you? Well now you do. Man's not just a pretty face ya hear. Be warned: if you click on that link, you will see some nice photographs of birds, trees, railway stations and Jane's minge (not really, and I hate that word anyway) but you will also discover that Woodyatt, if he runs the site himself, has spectacularly crap taste in music.

Auto Tune


Whilst the delightful Akon (left) clearly has his own ways of enjoying his spare time, he is blissfully unaware of the impact he's had on mine. When, after a hard day's work down the mines, I come home to listen to The Corrs, The Enya or The Pan Pipe Hits III on Spotify, my ambient candlelit wanktime is without fail rudely interrupted by advertisments for Akon (above) and his new album. Every track trailed sounds exactly the same as the last one, and they are all characterized by the frankly hilarious reliance on the auto-tune technique. Akon (above) seriously needs to find a new way to express himself.

South Park has time and again exposed the straight-up crapness of the auto-tune phenomenon with ultra-sharp parodies of Cher's shit-sandwich 1998 or 1999 (I can't be bothered to Google it) hit 'Believe', and, most recently, mulleted egotist KanYe "Fred/John"* West, who surely should never be able to recover from such a merciless character assassination but, sadly, will.

This ain't no dissertation or some shit like that, so I'll openly admit that most, if not all, of the quotes and research on this blog are going to come straight from Wikipedia. Here's some stuff from that website about old KanYe "I'm not a faggot" West.

'West has been quoted as saying that he "loves using Auto-Tune" and is dismayed that the term has been commonly associated with being "wack". He considers the technology "the funnest thing to use" and compared the situation to when he was a child and thought the color pink was cool until someone told him "it was gay"'

West, and Akon, as well as repeat offender T-Pain should take note of the above dissenters, and me. Leave off the auto-tune guys. It sounds crap, and it always will.

*delete hilarious false middle name where appropriate, depending on your preference for either child murderer or wholesale tuna manufacturer wordplay.